All I know so far
by GuessIt
Summary: Mike's pretty smart. Really. Just sometimes when he's confused he needs to write out everything he knows to make sense of it. Only thing is... He has no idea what's happening in Glee Club... Puck/Rachel, prelude to 'Use Somebody'


**THIS IS FOR MY 400****TH**** REVIEWER ON 'Use Somebody'. Sil3ntSn0wfa11 THIS IS FOR YOU!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own anything remotely related to Glee... literally... the few songs of theirs I have my brother downloaded for me... I don't even know if he downloaded them legally...**

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**_**WHY IS GLEE CLUB FULL OF DRAMA?**_

Mike just couldn't figure it out, no matter how long he stared at the words.

He didn't really understand it and he didn't necessarily need to understand it. Any of it really. But while he was sitting outside the bathroom, waiting for Brittany and Santana to get out, he decided to get out a notepad and try to deduce what really was happening in Glee club. Because there was always some drama happening, but he didn't always understand, so if he had it documented, maybe it would help. Plus he didn't have any classes for another hour so he had nothing else to do.

He looked down at the little notepad he had in front of him, trying to figure out what was going on as he started to write.

_What I know so far..._

_Rachel likes Finn._

_Finn got Quinn pregnant._

_Quinn has an unhealthy obsession with staring at Puck._

_Puck stares right back at Quinn._

_Quinn is with Finn (cause apparently they're in love)._

_Finn stares at Rachel._

_Rachel stares at Puck._

_When doesn't mean to, but he looks back at Rachel._

_Sometimes._

_Usually with that snarky grin that girls find so alluring._

_I think he looks constipated. But I'm a guy so..._

He scratched his head and decided to deviate away from the not-so-awesome foursome. Mike's thought surprised him so he scribbled something else down.

_Foursome??_

_No. Quinn, Finn and Rachel wouldn't be into that stuff..._

_Puck. Maybe??_

Mike shivered internally, because that meant there would be two guys and there would always be the dreaded chance of 'crossing-swords'.

_Puck is screwing Santana._

_Santana and Brittany spend odd amounts of time together in the bathroom._

_Brittany is my girlfriend. (yay!)_

_I am best friends with Matt._

_Matt really likes Santana._

_Santana is mean._

_Especially to Rachel._

_Rachel and Tina are friends._

_Tina has the same surname as me._

_Chang._

_I don't think we're related. (Look into that)_

_Tina really likes Artie._

_Artie is being a jerk to Tina cause she faked her stutter. (Which is stupid. The ignoring part)_

An idea popped into Mike's head and he scribbled something else done.

_Artie is gay??_

_No. Maybe not..._

_Kurt's gay._

_OH MY GOD!_

_KURT'S GAY!!!_

_MY COUSIN PAUL IS GAY!!_

_THEY SHOULD HOOK UP!!_

_Oh wait... Kurt's too short for him..._

_Or maybe Kurt is the perfect height for him..._

_Side note: How does height work for gay guys? Which one has to be taller? Can you define each one as a which? Cause like, girl-boy you can say which? Am I confused about my sexuality?_

He stared at the words in shock as he wrote them and then quickly scribbled them out.

_Note to self: Stop smoking pot with Finn and Puck late nights..._

Mike frowned and shook his head, trying to remember what he was originally trying to deduce. Oh yeah, why the Glee club was full of drama. He heard a shout from the bathroom and looked up, worried. "Britt, San, you two alright?"

"Yes." Santana's voice shouted out, but it sounded a little breathy and... tired?

"Sure?"

"Yes!" that 'yes' sounded painful. _Maybe she ate a bad burrito or something... _Mike thought and turned back to his list.

_Kurt and Mercedes gossip._

_They gossip like crazy._

_Mercedes has been wanting to tell me and Matt something._

_For some reason... she won't._

_Mercedes had a crush on Kurt._

_Kurt is in love with Finn._

_Paul is an Asian version of Finn._

_Except smarter._

Mike shook his head, trying to stop hooking his cousin up.

_Finn's pretty stupid._

_Kind of like Brittany, sometimes._

_Brittany is STILL in the bathroom with Santana._

_I can hear Santana panting._

_(Stay away from burritos)_

He then just studied the information he had in front of him. It all basically meant nothing. Because he still didn't understand why there was so much drama in Glee club. Oh... wait...

There was one avenue he hadn't looked down yet... the stereotypical avenue. He knew from cop shows, that detectives usual started with the stereotypes suspects (ex-girlfriend, jealous co-worker) and went from there. So, with a smile on his face, he wrote it all down.

_Rachel is a DIVA (which means she's gonna throw tantrums)_

_Kurt is a QUEEN (which means he's gonna act Royally painful)_

_Mercedes is a DIVA with SASS (which means she's gonna cut us)_

_Finn is the QUARTERBACK (which means girls are gonna throw himself at him)_

_Puck is a PLAYA (which means he's gonna screw every girl that throws herself at him)_

_Quinn is PREGNANT (which means she's NOT a virgin... which means what else exactly?? Not to sure... look into that later...)_

_Santana is a BITCH (which means she's stirring shit soup... that means she's creating more trouble for those of you who aren't too sure... Why am I explaining myself? Who else is reading this?!?!?!?!)_

_Tina is QUIET (which means she knows what's really going down)_

_Artie is INTELLIGENT (which means he's above all of this)_

_Matt is SHAFT (which means he's gonna fight crime... what does this have to do with anything?? I don't know...)_

_Brittany is HOTT!! (which means she's got no brains... hey that one makes sense)_

_I have CRAZY ASSED NINJA SKILLS THAT ARE TWENTY TIMES BETTER THAN PUCK'S!!! (which means I'm awesome)_

Mike liked his list. He smiled at it, having no idea what it had to do with _anything _but it was a good list. "San? Britt? Come out and see this!" Mike called out.

"We're... we're not dating!" Brittany shouted out.

Mike blinked a few times, thoroughly confused. "What?"

There was a... frustrated? shout and after a few minutes of silence, Santana stuck her head out. "Mike... we're kind of busy... girlie stuff. Why don't you run along and do something... else?"

Mike shook his head. "I was going to wait for Britt and then take her to 7/11 for slushies."

A flash of anger crossed Santana's eyes and Mike raised both of his eyebrows, horribly confused. "Well, she can't right now. We're having some... girl problems."

Mike stuck his hands up in the air. "Don't want to know. Tell Britt to meet me at lunch." He got up off the wall, pulling his bag up with him and started heading down the hallway, towards the car park.

Mike happened to look up at the right time, seeing someone stumbling away from a set of lockers, hitting them with his shoulder and pushing off of them as he went. "Puck?" Mike jogged forward, dropping his bag and grabbing onto Puck's shoulders. "Are you alright bro?"

All Mike got in response was a groan? Mike looked around the hallway, making sure everything was clear, and then back at Puck. "You drunk man?"

Puck grunted again and Mike sighed. "Oh shit. Come on." he wrapped his arms around Puck's shoulder and half-dragged half-carried Puck down the hall, worrying about his bag later. Mike had no idea what had happened but knew of only one safe place to stash him where no one would judge Puck for his poor decisions.

The music room.

Rachel was in there, singing some love song and stopped automatically when she saw Mike dragging in Puck. Rachel darted up, coming forward timidly, not sure what to do. "Oh my God, Mike? What happened to him?"

Mike was glad she was using small words that made sense to him, so ignored the look of horror on Puck's face as he replied, "Smirnoff by the smell of it. Can you mind him for a bit while I go get Finn or somebody to drive him home?"

"No!" Puck yelled. "No Finn!"

Mike looked at him curiously, and his mind shot back to his list.

_Puck is scared of Finn. _He mentally added, reminding himself to add it properly once he found his bag. Puck looked up at him with sad and confused eyes, but Mike didn't have time for drunken bromance. "Okay dude, but I don't have a car."

"I'll drive him home." Rachel said and Mike looked at her, curiously. Rachel did look at Puck, but they WERE NOT friends. (Puck made it very clear in the locker rooms a few weeks ago).

He looked down at Puck, who he felt shifting out of his arms and raised both of his eyebrows as Puck reached out for Rachel. Mike held his shoulders stiffly but Rachel reached out and wrapped her arms around him, Mike still holding his weight. Mike watched on, interested, as Puck closed his eyes and fell limp in Rachel's arms.

With quick thinking, Mike hauled Puck up off of Rachel's shoulder who looked horrified. "Is he okay?" she asked. "Should I go get somebody? What if..."

"Rachel!" Mike grunted, putting his friend down on the chairs. "Stop talking."

With a small nod, Rachel shut up, completely worried and totally confused. Mike sighed and patted Puck down, looking for something specific. His car keys. "Here we go." he muttered and looked at Rachel. "Can you drive stick?" She quickly shook her head. "Okay, well then you're going to follow me, I'm going to take Puck and his car home and then you can drive us back. Got it?" She nodded her head this time. Mike appreciated that at least she was listening.

"W-Why don't I just drive him home then come back?" Rachel offered. _Why would she do that? Nevermind..._

"Then Puck's truck would still be here. Anyway, I'm the only one out of us two with a hall pass." He winked at Rachel and started texting Matt. Puck had only said don't get Finn, right? It didn't matter if he got someone else's help, right? Plus, Mike could definitely not carry Puck by himself and didn't dare wake the sleeping giant.

_This drama we're dealing with is getting curiouser and curiouser..._ he thought to himself. _And it's going to get a whole lot worse before getting a whole lot better... _

_That's insightful stuff Mikey Chang._

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_**How you like them apples???**

**REVIEW!!!**

**P.S. I can hear a ticking in my room.**

**I have no clock and own no watches.**

**Yet again...**

**REVIEW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!**

**Also... curious question...**

**Santana/Brittany or Brittany/Mike???**

**One or the other peoples...**


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